July 28 – If You Want Something Done, Ask a Busy Person (or a Recovering Addict)

Phew! I have had so much going on lately, I can’t remember the last time I sat down to write a post. Even now, I’m writing while I wait for work to start.

A quick update of what I’ve been doing:

  • Making jam
  • Learning French
  • Working!
  • Volunteering!!
  • DATING!!
  • Learning how to cook and bake
  • Preparing to facilitate new groups in the Fall whilst attending school
  • Budgeting!
  • Working on my memoir
  • Making zines for Zine Club
  • Trying to talk myself into attending the kickboxing classes I paid for
  • Going to church
  • Hanging out with my very own pet betta fish!
  • Being all around happy, smiley and full of life

I didn’t realize until yesterday after a weekend of baking cookies, hanging out with friends, going on a date, going to a soccer game, painting two pictures, working, then going home and making a new recipe (French Toast Roll Ups) – I’ve been keeping kind of busy. I think it’s because whenever I slow down and I allow myself to have unscheduled free time I feel miserable. The longer I sit and do nothing, it feels like there is a layer of filth and grossness that covers me. Like how if you leave soup for a bit, it will develop a skin. Blech.

But really – I’m still fresh out of rehab. And I’m determined to make this sobriety thing work. I know that if I slow down, I’ll start to get bored. And if I start to get bored, I start to crave adventure and excitement and I want it instantly. And the most exciting thing I know how to do is get high or drunk and lose my mind.

I’ve learned that I did not only use drugs and alcohol to cope with feelings. I also used comfort food to cope with feelings. After ending a long standing, used-to-be-positive-but-turned-toxic friendship this past week, I’ve been getting into all the stuff I shouldn’t be. Ice cream, chips, cookies and never, ever in moderation.

It’s really thrown a wrench into the smoothly running machine that was my life. And as soon as one thing upsets my routine, then all the other things I’m focusing on start to drop. I’m working on that. How to let go of something without letting go of everything.

On the bright side – as one person exited my life, a new person entered it! I started dating. And FYI – she’s a woman. That’s another thing I’ve found out recently – I’m kinda sorta definitely very gay. Since I’ve embraced that, I feel so much more comfortable in my own skin and happier and clearheaded and focused on what I want out of life. It’s so freeing!

So that is my update for the summer. I am super busy, super gay, and super happy!

June 29 – Progress not Perfection

I have to admit that the adjustment from rehab to normal life has been difficult. I went from having a strict schedule and being monitored 24/7 and being very social and active to sitting on the couch and playing The Sims. At least, that’s how I was looking at it. I was not being kind to myself.

I have adjusted, if not perfectly. I’ve started working, and getting in touch with people and going out more. I’ve even started creative writing again. But I’m not where I want to be yet. My life isn’t perfect, and because of that I feel like I’m never doing enough. And when I feel like I can never do enough, I get bogged down and unmotivated and don’t do anything.

Then last night I remembered: “Progress, not perfection.” So I made an attempt to clean at least some of my room, and to my surprise I ended up cleaning a lot of it. Now, it’s not spotless and there’s still piles of clothes to put away and books to sort but I’m getting there.

I have to remember that things don’t happen instantly, especially when I’m in charge of doing them! I need to be realistic, but I also need to be kind to myself. It isn’t fair to give myself monstrous tasks and then berate myself when I don’t accomplish them. 

And today, waking up to a semi-cleaned room I felt rejuvenated. I got everything done that I wanted to and still had time to spare (hence the blog!). I made a new To Do list – a practical To Do list that is sorted by level of importance. Now I feel like I can breathe.

Progress, not perfection.

June 21 – Freedom

I’m free!! I have spent the past five weeks in addictions treatment. It was what I expected and a lot more. Very intense. 

Being out and living a “normal” life with “normal” people feels really strange. It’s so different. It feels like rehab was just a long dream, and I’m waking up to find nothing has really changed, except for me. I’ve changed.

I had this moment the other night where I was out at a dance, and I thought “hey… Nobody’s monitoring me. I could go wild!” But then I remembered that I’ve had plenty of experience with going wild and it’s never as fun as it initially seems.

I learned so much at rehab. I learned how to be assertive, how to be kind to myself, how to enjoy life, how to follow a schedule and do chores, how to express my feelings and observations, how to curl my hair, how to recognize and treat true friends, and most importantly how to stay sober. 😄

May 16 – Addictions Treatment

Today I am going to rehab, or if you prefer, an addictions treatment program. It’s a first for me. But don’t worry, it isn’t urgent. I’m hoping this will reinforce the abstinence I’m already doing.

A little nervous. Excited. Going to miss my dogs. The program is five weeks long, and contrary to what my mom suggested, I don’t think they’ll let me out for appointments with Dr. Pumba and nurse Raffi.

I’ll be out of touch for those five weeks. But when I get back I’ll have new insights to share!

May 11 – My Venture into Spiritualism

So it’s 5:30am. I’ve been awake for two hours. But I feel so genuinely rested. It’s this unusual, but peaceful and serene feeling, full of awe and gratitude. Usually when I wake up in the middle of the night it is because I am stressed out or anxious, I had a bad dream, or I drank five energy drinks before bed. I usually have this sick sort of feeling, where my body is aching for sleep but my mind is buzzing. Not tonight. Tonight it’s because of something I don’t really even know how to explain. I went to church.

I know how this entry will sound to some people. A little off the rails, maybe. And that’s fine, because that’s probably what I would have thought prior to my ‘awakening’ today. But after I finished reveling in my newfound peace, I felt like I had to share my experience. Because I’ve never felt anything like this.

I got the idea to look into Spiritualism by reading the book, The Art of Intuition. In the book, the author describes all her spiritual experiences, and the experiences of others. She talks about giving readings, where spirits appear to her and give accurate details about the person she is reading for. She talks of spiritualist communities like Lilydale, where psychics and mediums all live alongside each other and tourists can drive through the town and have readings done. I took it with a grain of salt, because while I believe in ESP and psychic phenomena I also believe people can lie (especially when book sales are in the mix.)

But near the end of the book, she mentions the ‘religion’ of Spiritualism. Which I totally didn’t know was a thing. It doesn’t follow any specific religious scripture (or it isn’t meant to), but focuses on the psychic connection between humans and God, the afterlife, spirits, etc. It sounded like a church for nondenominational psychics. So, I looked online and found a Spiritualist church in Hamilton, and I went to their Sunday mass.

I enjoyed the experience. I thought it was interesting, to say the least. But I felt disappointed. I guess I was expecting to hear some really spooky, cool psychic revelations where people randomly tell me things about myself that would make me really, truly believe. And part of that came true, but only after I had gone to bed and slept on it.

In many ways, the Spiritualist church was like any other church. There’s praying, and a reading (in this case from the Bible), and then a sermon. But it is unique in other ways, that may sound really strange (it felt strange).

First, to begin the mass everyone stands in a circle and holds hands. They pray, and then everyone goes around and hugs each other. Then they move into the chapel, where there’s some more praying.

Then there’s an opportunity to go into the other room and receive ‘healing energy’ (like Reiki). I partook in that, out of curiosity. It involves sitting in a chair while one of the reverends combs your aura and prays (I think that’s what they were doing, anyway!). I didn’t feel anything.

Also, at the end, the reverend will pass on messages from spirits that are in the room. In this instance, because it was Mother’s Day, she did something flower-themed. She had a bouquet of flowers, and one by one she would pick up a flower and talk about it. She would talk about the flower’s journey, and how this was reflected in the leaves and stem and petals. I think she was getting these messages, in part, from some spiritual connection because sometimes she would look at the ceiling and say ‘thank you’, like a spirit had supplied the exact right word she couldn’t think of. Then after she talked about the flower, she would give it to someone in the room who corresponded to the message she just received. I didn’t get a flower because a) I’m not a mom and b) we ran out of time.

So, if you’re interested, that’s what to expect. I went in with an open mind, wanting to experience something special, and I guess I did but it just wasn’t what I was expecting. I felt disappointed. I just kinda shrugged it off, went home, watched some TV and then went to bed.

The moment of clarity came afterwards, after about five hours of sleep. I lay awake, just waiting to fall back asleep. A little bit grumpy, because I happen to quite like sleep (and dreaming) and I didn’t want to be cheated out of my full 8 hours. I lay there, my mind blank, eyes closed, waiting to fall asleep. Wanting to fall asleep. But I just never did. And then two hours passed, and I realized I wasn’t tired. There was this expectation that I would sleep much later, but I genuinely felt rested. More rested than I’ve ever felt. And peaceful. And happy. And content.

The closest feeling I can relate it to is lying in the arms of a lover, and feeling so blissfully safe and cared for.

I guess I never realized that all the psychic tricks I find cool (like intuiting information about people) are not the goal. They’re a side effect. The goal is to be connected to God. Or nature, or life, or spirit, or whatever word you want to use. Because honestly, the way I feel right now, it’s so much more than neat tricks. It feels real. And profound. Like true peace.

May 8 – Childhood Memories

Lately so many pleasant memories from my childhood have been coming back to me. 

I remember we had a big swimming pool that I’d pretty much spend my summers in. My dad would sit on the deck and fall asleep under his book while I swam. I’d often have other kids over to swim, too. My dad used to stand in the shallow end and I’d stand on his knee, then he throw me up into the air and I’d fall in the water. We would do that until his arms for sore.

I remember we had a birch tree in our front yard. I liked to take the branches that fell and peel all the bark off to use as my wand.

 There was a girl across the street that I played with. We would play Barbies. I remember one time she found a hat she had lost and when she told her mother where it had been she said, surprised “Get outta here!” I remember asking my friend why she asked us to leave and she laughed and said it was an expression.

There were also my babysitters kids that I spent most of my early days with. I went to see The Borrowers at the theatre with their youngest, a boy my age. I also remember sometimes he’d call to get the spelling words for class (in grade one we had to spell a different list of words each week.) I still rave about his mothers amazing soup, chicken and stars. And her pasta. One time I told her she should open up a restaurant.

I think that as I heal from the trauma of psychosis and I spend more time with my family, I’ve started thinking about warmer times. Times when I felt the way I feel now. Happy.

May 2 – An Alternate Story of Creation

I found this poem-story of sorts and I thought it was a really neat way of reframing the story of creation. It separates mythology and character away from meaning, which I found refreshing. Anyway, here is the alternate story of creation. I don’t know the authors name, but it’s called, “The Maiden Voyage of the Twelve Fibonacci Goddesses.”

In the Time Before Time…

From the central source of creation

Twelve pyramids of light spiraled forth.

Within each pyramid was a Goddess who

swept across the darkness of the void

weaving her magic through the geometry of creation

to manifest stories in which souls would experience.


I am the Goddess of Harmonics.

Creation began with a tone…

a soul note

a sole note

that echoed through the void of creation.

That note multiplied into the complexity

of a spiraling geometric matrix.

Its tones beat in a pulsating rhythm

combining colours and shapes

moving forth into the sea of creation.


I am the Goddess of Colour.

I came from the void and created the rainbow bridge.

In the beginning there was a tone

accompanied by my spiraling rays of light which

burst forth from a central source creating matrixes

allowing my soul sparks of light to emerge and experience.

Souls streamed forth through kaleidoscopic prisms

remaining connected through my rainbow bridge.

And through our connection my light will appear

to each soul as love felt deeply within their heart

bringing continuity, never to feel alone or abandoned.

Everything that you envision is

created by the streaming rays of my light

bending, refracting, reflecting

moving in rhythm with the harmonics of creation.


I am the Goddess of Light

I came from the void and created the soul sparks.

I gave them consciousness and the ability to move

into the endless grid realities to experience

and learn then one day return home into the light.


I am the Goddess of Geometry and the Grids.

As the Goddesses of Harmonics, Light and Colour

spiraled their creational energies forth

I created infinite shapes to define form and expression.

Geometric shapes created a network of matrixes

linking all things together and to me.

These experiences are brought forth into your conscious

awareness by the thoughts created in your mind.

They are the projections of your experience on all levels.

They combine, intertwine, and often merge.

They are part of the chaos of your ever changing reality.


I am the Goddess of Motion and Movement.

I control the flow of energy through the collective unconsciousness.

I am the energy through which all creation seeks to maintain balance.

I create the dance of creation in rhythmic harmonics.


I am the Goddess of the Heavens and all that is Celestial.

I maintain celestial motion and order

by sweeping across the infinite universes

creating endless interlocking designs.

I am forever spinning the fabric of the universe

into new patterns in which you can experience.


I am the Goddess of Mythology and Storytelling.

I create endless stories

woven through the fabric of time

following the patterns of sacred geometry.

Consciousness enters my stories to experience

adventures laced with myth, math and metaphor

brought forth by the Storytellers of the Ages.


I am the Goddess of Healing.

Through the energies of my heart

I guide souls on their journey into awareness.

We live in the energies of green

to heal ourselves and the planet.

In the illusions of reality one can get lost in the cycles of life.

Now is the time to heal and remember.


I am the Goddess of Balance.

You have known me in many forms in all civilizations

and worked with me to restore balance on all levels.

I create justice at the end of time with

chaos and destruction part of the process.

The journey of humanity

through electromagnetic grid realities

is the quest to restore balance

lost in the descent into the physical.

Consciousness is evolving to its natural state of light.

You experience this shift in every area of life

your soul signalling something will soon happen

to restore balance and total consciousness.

I bring reality full circle to secure the

balance wheel of time and karma.


I am the Goddess of Consciousness.

I move in spirals and set the tone

for the other goddesses.

Experience is created through my thoughts

as guided by the souls.

It flows like a river from my thoughts to yours.

It shows you all and everything

as your frequency increases.

Reality is consciousness brought forth

as virtual holograms of experiences.

It is through my energies that you expand your mind

and consciousness to understand all and everything.

The goal in physical reality is to create balance and

return to me in higher consciousness and total awareness.

Let us take a journey to that end.


I am the Goddess of Time.

I create the illusion of time

through the patterns of twelve around one.

In the beginning

I created a great pyramid on your planet

placing its twin above to create

the hourglass in the sands of time.

When there was no more sand above

time would stand still

all would reverse and

physical reality would cease to exist.

To that end numeric codes were created and

forged into physical reality below, so the souls

would remember the time before time.

Somewhere in time the clock moves forward

to the point of entry and closure.


I am the Goddess of Rebirth and Regeneration.

I come from the void and return to the void

in the stories and passages of time.

I go by many names in all civilizations.

I am the sacred flame of creation through

which all things enter and exit realities.

I transform realities in the alchemy

of time and consciousness.

The time is coming for this reality to transform into something new.

I prepare for this transition as does your

soul for it is an aspect of my light.


You are not who you think you are.

April 29 – Life is Good Right Now

In the past few months I have made a bunch of changes to my lifestyle. In no particular order:

I stopped skipping meals.

I stopped drinking alcohol and coffee.

I started logging everything I eat into an app on my phone.

I go to bed early and wake up early (most of the time.)

I reduced my sugar intake.

I started meditating more regularly.

I started painting again.

I applied for (and got) a job.

I started reading all kinds of books from the library.

I learned how to control my anxiety so that it is rarely a problem. 

I started appreciating nature. Today I listened to an angry squirrel squawk for an hour.

I became single and attempted to mingle (but that hasn’t gone well for me, well, ever.)

I made headway on my memoir.

I became closer to my family.

I figured out how to clear the ‘recently watched’ section on Netflix.

I stopped watching the news.

I stopped trying to force the things in my life that just weren’t working.

And gosh I feel a lot better.

April 16 – Love

I haven’t blogged in a while and I think it’s because I’ve just needed some silent time to myself in order to process what’s happening with my life. I’ve been slowly making changes to my lifestyle, weeding out bad habits, cultivating new interests, eating healthier and getting exercise. I’ve been sober from all my addictions for a few months now and I just felt so strong and stable.

I’ve been thinking a lot about what I want in my future. I’ve decided I’m gonna go to law school after I get my undergraduate. I’ve also decided that I want to get married some day, and have kids. I never felt like those things were possible when my life was a mess. But now I feel hopeful.

So I broke up with my boyfriend. Even though our relationship was happy and healthy and we both loved each other very much, I realized that he’s just not ‘the one’. I couldn’t see myself ending up with him. So we’ve been broken up for a few weeks now, but there’s no bad blood between us. We still care.

I think on some level I knew I didn’t want to end up with him, but I stayed with him because he made me feel secure. He was very much a stabilizing influence on my life. Always supportive. But now for the first time I feel like I can move forward without him.

I learned many things from my time with him. I learned what I like about myself, what I offer people. I learned that I don’t want to be in meaningless relationships, that I’m willing to wait until the right person comes around. I learned that I want marriage and kids some day, which is totally not something I thought I’d ever want. But mostly I learned that love isn’t scary. The anticipation of disappointment and hurt is scary, but that doesn’t have to be a part of love.

Sidenote: I’ve lost 16lbs so far! Good progress.

April 2 – Controlling the Mentally Ill

I was in the car today with my father and a news story came on the radio that concerned me. I don’t know all the details, but a co-pilot in Germany purposefully flew an airplane into the side of the mountain, killing himself and the 140+ passengers. On the radio they said that this person had a history of depression, was on medication for his depression, and had confided in his friends and co-workers that he was depressed. I later discovered that at the time he was flying, he had seemed to be recovered and was given a clean bill of health from his doctor.

I didn’t know what to think or how to feel. I felt threatened and scared. The way they were talking on the radio, they had people voicing opinions on how we should “handle” people with mental illness. As someone who has suffered from depressive symptoms associated with schizoaffective disorder, I felt almost victimized by the way people talked about this story.

My father believes that people with depression can ‘put on a show’, so to speak, and convince their doctors that they’re of sound mind when they’re not. I didn’t know what to say. I guess that is technically true. I would venture to say most doctors aren’t telepathic or even empathic, so their diagnoses are going to be imperfect. And if the patient isn’t being honest with them, then there’s only so much we can do.

But what does that mean for how society should treat people with mental heath problems? Should they be monitored like prisoners? Should they be excluded from handling dangerous equipment? It’s not so simple.

I don’t know if the plane crash could have been prevented, and who would have prevented it. But I am hoping that maybe this time, we could use these event as a catalyst for positive change and discussion. Instead of rushing to condemn people, maybe we could attempt to see things from their perspective.

I understand that there is a lot of fear surrounding mental illness. Both on the part of the patient, and on the part of society. Speaking for myself, sometimes I’m scared that I’ll be discriminated against for my mental health issue. I’ve certainly feared for my life when I had to put all my faith in my doctors, when I had my control taken away from me. It’s scary. But, speaking for someone who has also been on the witness side of mental illness – sometimes conditions will drive people to dangerous, event violent behaviour. Sometimes. I can understand that if you’re of the opinion that mental health only affects a small number of people, then you could easily suggest that we should violate human rights in order to control these people.

The problem I have with that is that in my core, I believe mental illness is experienced by everyone at some point. Everyone develops issues over the course of their life that affect their mind. They may not have names yet. They may be able to function within society. They may not need to be medicated. But at some point we will think, feel, or perceive something that is to our detriment. We will all be in those shoes. Some people, perhaps, more than others.

So, I guess what I’d say is to have compassion. Every feeling is valid, including the people who feel suspicious and threatened and angry…either at mental health patients, society, or their own doctors.